Death

I moved back to Finland in 2020 and I really thought I didn’t want to. It is my roots, it is my past, and it represents quite challenging energy for me. However, the frequency of this country is also very grounding and balancing. It has certain kind of purity and calmness that you cannot find everywhere. It has the quiet and the dark, which are important too. You are very connected to the cycles of life through the changing seasons.

I lost my old identity as a nomad, who was free to travel and move to new places in a heartbeat. Even if I did want a home, travel was my safe space. It was what I knew, it was familiar, it was my way of living. It was also a way of leaving behind things that didn’t work anymore. In fact I was really bad at setting boundaries, and travelling to the other side of the world was easier than saying ”no” to something that didn’t feel right.

Travelling has given me so much, and I’d never change my past, because it has made me who I am, and it has got me so far in life. Roaming around this beautiful planet and appreciating all its magic is a huge part of who I am. I don’t think I’d be the same person if I had always stayed in my homecountry, because being on a never-ending adventure to the unknown I got to experience so much in such a short time. So many lives lived just in one lifetime. With all that said, something needed to change in my life and my soul knew it way before I did.

In Finland I had to face my past and everything that was broken. I had already been healing in so many ways, but it was like peeling an onion, and now I had a deeper layer in front of me. For many months I walked around with this pain in my chest; everything was hurting. My heart was constantly breaking. I don’t even know for what, but I believe for myself, my life, my ancestors, humanity, and the entire planet at once. I was feeling so sensitive, my nervous system so ”broken”, that I could barely get out of the house or even out of bed. Everything felt too intense. It was like there was a tiny human inside of me screaming out of panic at the top of her lungs non-stop. I was going through these things not knowing when they would end or what I could even do to get better. Of course I didn’t need to do anything, I just had to FEEL it.

It was like a depression, everything went gray and dull, nothing felt like anything, and when that started lifting months later, there was insane amounts of anxiety. It felt like the heavy energies were mostly from my past, early childhood and so on, that I had been carrying in my system, because it had not been safe or possible to process them back then or at any earlier stage of my life. Usually all of this stuff starts to surface when we feel enough safe and stable in life. Healing doesn’t happen in unsafe circumstances, but once we get out of them.

A lifetime of stress and a nervous system that is on constant fight or flight heals slowly, little by little. The death or dark night can feel absolutely endless. It can feel like it’s not getting anywhere. It can feel like we are stuck in an eternal loop of darkness. When God wants us to heal, usually many doors close in front of us. That’s for a reason, because we need to take time for ourselves, but the human has hard time accepting that and letting go of attachments. The less we worry, and the more we feel instead of resist, the faster everything will pass. Healing has its own timing.

After the death comes spaciousness, freedom, and peace. It’s incredible, because you haven’t known you could feel so good, because you were used to carrying all that stuff in your unconscious memory, just without knowing it. There is this light feeling that you cannot explain, because it’s completely new. You feel almost like a different human, except you have never felt more like yourself. The old version wasn’t really you, it was someone carrying a lot of trauma and baggage and just trying to survive. But you didn’t know it back then, you only see it now as you can compare it to your new state of being.

Death can be insanely hard and challenging because we need to face all that unconscious material we were not willing or able to face in the past. The old needs to die and go, before the new can be rebirthed. We would love to just jump straight into the new beginning, without processing the death. But the death must be faced and it needs to be allowed its time so that we can move on without baggage from the past. It can be the hardest thing we ever go through. But it brings liberation. It brings us home, to our own hearts.