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Writer's pictureSaana

Light in the Dark



A blog about using pain as a portal to healing and awakening and becoming a light in a dark world

I talk a lot about pain in my blogs, but pain is the portal. Feeling is the portal. And what we don’t want to feel is pain. When we block, repress and numb one thing in our system, we block everything else too. If you deny your pain, you deny your joy, happiness, and creativity as well.


We live in a world where everyone is blaming and projecting. The culprit to our problems is always outside of us. Whether it is the president, the people who think differently to us, the mother, the father, the daughter, the friend, the ex... The fault is always outside of us. That is what projection is, in essence. It is what we are not willing to face within ourselves. When we don’t want to face our own trauma and discomfort, we externalize our own issues and say that they are someone else’s fault and someone else’s to fix.


It might be true that the issues didn’t ORIGINATE within us, however, they need to END with us. That is the ONLY way to heal the world. To stop perpetuating the cycle of hurt we are all in. It sucks, specially when we have been abused and treated unfairly. It sucks to be the big person who stands up and breaks the cycle. It is so much easier to keep perpetuating the pain, and blame it on another. However, that will only feed the eternal cycle of pain. Hurt people hurt people.


Someone needs to go first and bring in the light. That is how we stop the collective hurt, one person at a time. It only takes one person that decides to put an end to the cycle instead of sending the blame and hatred forward. That person can be me and it can be you. Together we are many. And little by little we heal.


When we stop projecting the blame onto others, when we stop sending the pain forward as we have done before and others have done to us, it can feel like we are swimming in pain. In everyone’s projected pain, that is. Once you are not passing it forward, you are feeling it all. It is like walking on a mine field, or receiving daggers directed to your heart, and simply saying ”thank you”. It is crying and screaming, too, it is FEELING IT ALL. It is choosing to do what no one else is choosing to do.


When you are an old soul, something within you just knows, that no matter how much being the cycle-breaker sucks, bypassing the pain is not an option. You just know it won’t be worth it, that it will not bring fulfillment to your heart, so you surrender to feeling it. Deep within you know it is the only path you could ever take, no matter how challenging and heartbreaking.


Be the one that stops projecting. Be the one who stops blaming and hating, no matter how noble you perceive your hate to be (eg. hating the haters). Turn within to face the pain, the hate, the anger, the grief, and the fear. Become the light in a world that is dark.


I have probably lost everything I could have lost within this lifetime. Either I have had to walk away from it because it didn’t work anymore or it’s taken away from me in some other way. I am talking life force, creativity, all my relationships, physical health, mental health, career, hobbies, home, the life I lived, you name it, I probably have had to let go of that too. For several years I didn’t have a home, I was going from place to place, always unsure where I was sleeping the next month or the next week or the next day.


The Universe has really thrown some hard lessons my way. For so many years I had nothing in my life, nothing to hold onto, nothing to derive meaning from. Whatever I tried to grasp or whatever projects or endeavors I initiated, they were all taken away as well. I could have become bitter, resentful, and just blamed life and others. Yet I chose to burn in the alchemical fire of my pain because for me it was the only path worth taking. And in choosing to do that, all these experiences and difficult emotions guided me to my own healing.


When great challenges happen, when all the lights go off so to say, it is a divine gift, asking us to turn within and find our own inner light. This is something we are also going through collectively. In the last years some ever darker events have been taking place in our world. The lights have been going off, so that we would turn within and find the true light, the one that can never go out.


Anything can happen in our lives, yet if we are connected to our inner truths, our inner lights, we can ride through anything. Come the apocalypse, the inner light can guide us through that as well. The outside world can look chaotic and scary. Horrible things can happen in our personal lives. We might go through huge losses. Terrible things can happen out in the world. People are suffering and dying. It is all really, really dark. It is easy to forget who we are and about the light and love we all carry within.


When all is lost, all we have left is hope. Things might look irreversible, but we still got faith. We can still love. No one will ever take love away from us, only we can choose to close our hearts, but we can choose to open them as well. When everything goes wrong in the outer world, we can still choose to love ourselves. And if you ask me, that inner light is what is going to save this world.


The more we connect to that inner light, the stronger it gets. It can carry us through anything. A-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. At this point of my life I am barely afraid of anything. I have had to face it all within myself. I trust the process. I trust my soul and the kind nature of this universe.


When the lights go off, there might not be much anything around to help us. And that’s the whole point of it. Instead of seeking help outside, we are meant to seek help inside. I know how incredibly hard it can feel and that it isn’t that simple to go through these initiations in a world where most people have not gone through similar things. We can feel really, really alone in them. However, it also means that your soul can get through them, because otherwise it wouldn’t have chosen such a path. We never take more than we can handle, even if it totally feels like the opposite when we are in the midst of it. But we will get through it and realize that we actually made it.


In my darkest moments, I found myself googling for others’ experiences of dark night of the soul or kundalini awakening. And honestly I never found that much anything I could relate to. So that’s why I want to talk about these experiences and write these blog posts; to reach for those who may be going through something similarly life-shattering, and leave a little light. Some kind of healing and awakening is already becoming mainstream, but there are layers and levels to this game. I do find it’s still pretty rare to go through awakenings that put you into complete darkness for many years so that you could find your inner light and inner light only.


When you don’t have anyone around you who you can relate to, no one who understands you, and nothing makes sense, it can be extremely devastating and our entire lives can feel totally pointless. But, in actuality, this is the work that is THE MOST NEEDED on this planet right now. This light is needed more than anything and the light you find within will be a light for so many others! If your soul chose this path, you are a true warrior. And it will absolutely make sense in the end. I promise.

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