For so many years I felt so raw and deeply vulnerable. I was meeting my shadow, and making friends with my own brokenness. It is really hard, because you are expected to be a human and to be able to keep going with your human things, but instead your soul is purging deeply buried unconscious stuff. It is very challenging, or straight impossible, to keep showing up. Like, as who are you even showing up? Your old self is gone, your new self has not yet emerged, and all you got are your bleeding wounds. Everything feels so sensitive, way too sensitive, as your energy field is fully open. It is like you were undergoing surgery and your body is cut open in the middle. That is how it feels. I felt so out of place, because really you are not meant to be amongst a multitude of people and energies whilst your system is going through something so vulnerable. It’s for a reason that you won’t conduct a heart surgery in the middle of Times Square. Healing asks for a calm and safe place.
I had never seen anyone going through anything like that, so it took me long to fully allow myself that space to simply be, heal, and rest. Anytime I tried to do anything else, or show up in ways my old self had done, I was just hurting. I was so open to my own pain, but also others’ pain, and humanity’s pain. It was unbearable. You just need peace and quiet and nature and some extremely safe humans who are able to hold an unconditional space. I feel like most people are very scared of the low-lows and high-highs, and they are uncapable of holding a deeply safe space because of that. Seeing those energies in you triggers something deeply uncomfortable within them that they have not faced within themselves. For me it created a feeling where everything just felt wrong. I was at odds with everything around me. I couldn’t find the energies I needed outside of myself - I had to create them within.
”The wound is where the light enters,” said Rumi. And somehow, all that pain and my deepest wounds guided me to my brightest light. When everything was hurting, I could only turn within, over and over. I became the person and the safe space that I had always needed for myself. I became the light, the energy, the magic, that I had always been seeking. Not all at once, but little by little, year after year, as I held space for my anxieties, fears, traumas, and nightmares. Out of all that, my true soul self was emerging.
I didn’t have guidance for this healing from outside of me. Heck, I had never even seen anyone going through this kind of healing! There was nobody saying ”this is how it goes” or even embodying the possibility and potential of such deep deprogramming and deconditioning. But I had a blueprint for healing within myself. We all carry it within our DNA. If we trust and surrender deeply enough, that blueprint will be able to activate. We do need to get out of our own way, though, because we are the only obstacle in the way of our own healing. And a big obstacle it is. Lol. It is all our unconscious fears and need to control.
My healing was constantly messy, raw, and chaotic. It was blindwalking in complete darkness. I could barely see forward, I only had a slight sense within myself of what was going on and what I was meant to do. I did second-guess and doubt myself, and questioned my intuition and truth a million times. The ego-mind can’t make it (nor it is meant to), but there is something beyond it that can.
My body was my greatest ally, keeping me out of my own way especially because of the chronic fatigue I had. Having the physical fatigue really allowed me to go through this deep soul healing, which I would have been able to avoid for much longer had my body had the energy to keep going as usual. I was forced to go through this. All the other paths closed off in front of me. There was always only one way forward; the pain, the unknown, the path that no one will choose unless they really HAVE TO. Even if no one would ever choose this path from their human’s free will (and now I am not talking about some little shadow work and inner work but a complete turn-around of the entire psyche), we can never be free unless we attend to our deepest wounds, because as long as there is trauma in the system, it keeps unconsciously controlling our lives and manifesting complicated situations in order to heal itself.
The lotus flower grows, from a little seed, carrying a blueprint within its DNA, through mud and murky waters, to a gorgeous flower basking in the sunlight. That flower is our fullest soul expression, our gifts, our unique frequency, essence, and beauty. All of us are that lotus flower, and we all have the potential to grow from a murky ego-self into a gorgeous soul-self. The path is available to everyone, but only if we are willing.
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