An initiation through fire is one of the most transformative experiences we can go through. And one of the hardest. I burnt in the divine fire for a long time. All my shadows were being shown to me and I had to sit there, having the flames transform me through all of the pain. I reached the pinnacle of that fire in summer 2021, many years into my process of spiritual awakening and deep soul initiation. I had been doing deep inner work for a long time, explored some of the biggest mysteries of my soul, and my energetic body and psyche had been going through a profound transformation.
I was still between the old and the new, and had not fully let go of all aspects of my old life and ways of being in the world. That summer I had reached a point where nothing resonated any longer. Nothing of my old life made sense to me anymore.
I had jumped to the unknown more times than I could count - that had been the theme of my life in so many ways. But I hadn’t walked to the ABSOLUTE unknown, letting go of every single aspect of my life all at once. Now I was staring at the void and my worst fears manifested in my mind like little demons telling me to go back to the old and familiar. The void felt like the end, the absolute unknown. It felt like my entire life had come to an end and there was no going forward, because nothing existed in my future; just the unknown.
I see our lives like these long corridors with many doors. Behind each door there are all kinds of life experiences. However, there is only one door that leads to our soul’s truth. That is the door we never want to open. Because behind that door there are all of our worst fears, everything we spent our entire lives running from. Behind that door there is also the total unknown, no guarantees given. There is also truth, freedom, and everything we ever dreamed of.
Sometimes we open that door and peak in. Inmediately we have our biggest fears looking back at us, so we shut that door, and quickly return to one of the other more familiar, comfortable, and less threatening doors. We might have explored all those other doors already, and realized they were not what we were looking for, but now we would rather give them a new chance than explore the total unknown.
That summer I had reached a point where I had no other options left. I had explored all the other doors, over and over. I knew there was nothing left for me behind those doors. There was only this one door. Death - or that’s how it felt like. The end of all I knew. My fears were burning me alive, telling me I had done everything wrong, that I should now choose another door, or go back to the past to repair things that never worked out.
I sat in the fire. I stared at the void. I let my fears burn me. What I still find the craziest is that none of those fears were true. They tried to gaslight my intuition and have me turn around. Once I didn’t, everything transformed in my life. Effortlessly and by itself. What the fuck. The fear had had a completely different reality projected onto my future. The things I was most fearing, like walking to the complete unknown all alone by myself, turned out to be the best things that ever happened to me.
In the autumn after that summer I had spent staring to the void, one morning I woke up crying. I was taken over by this peace, this sense that I had made it, and it was so beautiful and sweet. For many months I was mindblown and I had hard time believing what was happening. My mind had thought I’d be feeling absolutely horrible, yet I was feeling so light and free. It felt like for the first time ever everything was the right way up in my life. It felt like all the puzzle pieces of my life had fallen to their right places. I was not lying to myself about anything, because in the past I had had to ignore my intuition and gaslight myself in order to make the choices that were never good to my soul. And once I was not doing that anymore, everything transformed.
There surely have been some huge and challenging initiations also after that, but since that moment my life has been more right than it has ever been. There is an alignment that actually feels true to my soul, and I am not making decisions based on my fears and traumas. Something deep transformed within my psyche; a fear-based program that I had been running, that had had me making choices (opening doors) that didn’t lead me to places where I truly wanted to go.
That was mostly the end of the dark night I had been going through for 6 years, although my body and nervous system have continued to heal slowly and it’s not always been easy. My system has gone through such big energetic changes and the body is always a little bit slow to catch up. But there is a deep soul alignment that has been growing ever since.
Just a few months after all that, I got the download for my card deck, The Song of Gaia Oracle, and started working on it. Miraculously enough, when I was not anymore pouring my energy into all the wrong places, I had energy for all the right things; for my soul, my art, and my purpose. I couldn’t fully align with any of those as long as I was making choices that were not good for my heart. And once I really trusted my soul and my intuition, everything started to align.
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