Surrender

I never knew how to rest. I was born into a family where working, doing, and being busy were very important. Staying still was a sign of laziness. Stress and auto-pilot were the default mode.

I was always playing and creating as a child. When I grew up, I channeled that energy into working, studying, and traveling. I didn’t know human beings needed rest. How could I have known it if I had never seen it anywhere? If you were sick, you were meant to go to a doctor, take pills, and get back to work and normal routines. Only old people would rest.

Life was very intense and full, always. I did get a lot of things done. However, getting things done has no meaning whatsoever when you are not present doing them. I mean, you are missing on life altogether. I was operating from a very unhealthy masculine energy. I inherited it from my lineage, for my lineage hasn’t really known relaxed people.

Now, it’s also the collective we live in. For hundreds and hundreds of years humans have been living increasingly out of very masculine energy. Doing, achieving, hitting goals, surviving, getting shit done. That is what our society values. Impressive resumes and busy schedules. We don’t value rest, relaxation, peace, or a regulated nervous system. It is important to be very busy, because it must mean you are an important and worthy person. We source our self-worth from doing, or we are just addicted to it out of fear of having to face ourselves very deeply.

So the Universe decided to put me on this looong journey of surrender. Makes sense. My system was crashing at a really young age, and as I shared in the previous blog post, I totally burnt out at 26. I was lucky that my body was not able to handle more. Imagine to keep going till 50, 60, 70, or more before your system says it’s enough. Of course this burn out was a result of MANY things, not just doing too much. It was also an emotional, energetic, and spiritual burn out and that’s why it took so long for me to recover. And I am so happy that it happened exactly like that, because the process unfolding from that point on changed my entire life.

I got chronic fatigue, and was barely able to handle any of the things I was previously doing. I had to rest a lot, something I had never done before. I had to let go of many things. Mainly I was surrendering control over everything. Over how my life was unfolding, over how I thought things should pan out, what I should be doing, what should be happening. I had to completely hand the control of my life over to the Universe. Of course you can’t do that all at once, because there is a layer upon layer of control, and so subtle forms of control that you didn’t even know they were there. I mean you could be living your life thinking you are not controlling at all, just to find out how extremely controlling you are. It’s hard to see that what we are very used to.

Year after year my only lesson was surrender. It is very boring for the ego! The ego is the one controlling so surrender feels like a constant ego death. The ego derives its worth and importance from all the doing and successes in life. But when you are not doing anything... who are you even? It is hard. It is very healthy though, but just very painful for the ego; to become absolutely nobody. When people ask you what you have been up to, you don’t really have anything to say. A lot is happening when ”nothing is happening”, but again, our culture revolves around the fact of what we DO, not what we ARE. It’s very sobering to wake up from that, and ultimately very freeing and relieving, but the ego doesn’t like it. It would really like to do something and be someone important! But doing nothing and thus, being a nobody... that’s the worst nightmare of the ego.

So you surrender. And it makes you pretty humble. I didn’t choose it, the ego could NEVER choose it (unless its making another ego trip out of the whole spiritual awakening thing, which happens too), but my body chose it. I had chronic fatigue so that I could stay out of my own way and spend years connecting to my soul and inner wisdom. Our bodies always know what we need. Our egos definitely don’t, the ego is always chasing after something that is pretty empty and meaningless for the soul.

It is safe to trust the wisdom of the body. It is also safe to do what nobody else is doing; to stop, rest, and just surrender. We live in this culture that says that something really bad is going to happen if we stop. We could run out of money, everything could go wrong, everybody can forget about us, our entire lives could fail completely.

However, when we surrender to the soul, and the truth of the soul, the opposite happens. Everything in our lives gets aligned. It doesn’t make any sense to the mind, but there is a deeper alignment that emerges when we let go of controlling. It is an alignment with the entire universe. When we are in alignment, we are always in the right place. We are doing the right thing and all our needs are met. It is a law. This is a loving and kind universe and it always wants to provide for us. We are its children and essentially its our mother. We are also souls, and souls are not meant to live in struggle and suffering.

Currently on this planet we live within a program, a matrix, that says that lack and scarcity exist and are real. And because of that, we need to control, do, and work hard. Of course there indeed is lack and scarcity, but only because we have forgotten who we are. The more we align to the soul truth, the less scarcity we experience. It is scary, though, especially because we are living within a system, with 8 billion beings in it, almost all of them saying you are insane if you stop doing what everyone else is doing. We are enforcing each others’ lack beliefs and the program itself. And the program stays in place as long as we agree with it; after all we have free will.

I have faced the scariest of fears regarding money and many other things. I have sat with them and let them burn me. There is an insane fear that gets triggered when we let go of control, especially around those things that we deem necessary for our survival, like money. I am not going to say it is easy to face those things, however it is possible. The program says you NEED to do certain things for your survival, but the soul says something else.

It is like facing death. I have had to face it many times. I have walked to the unknown, and I have been absolutely certain that this is my end, that I possibly won’t make it through, because the fear has been so intense and all-consuming. And all of those times, the Universe has carried me through to the other side, and it has not been my end at all.

So you develop this trust and this faith. Initiation after initiation you become more fearless. You can face bigger and bigger fears. Faith is like a muscle; as you train it - it gets stronger. Faith and hope is all that you need when you are facing your own death, or that what you believe is going to be your end.

It is indeed safe to surrender and let go of that heavy baggage we are all carrying because of ”what if”. We were never made to make it on our own, to survive just relying on our own abilities to control, fix, figure it out, and stay on top of things. The universe is co-creating with us every single moment, and when we walk in our souls’ truths, all our needs are provided for. It doesn’t make sense to the mind that believes this is a difficult world to live in. Yet it is the true nature of life. Life supports life. Life loves life. Life is easy and effortless. Life is made to keep living.