In 2019, I had been going through my burnout/kundalini awakening/dark night of the soul for several years and I thought I was getting back on my two feet. I was living in nature in some beautiful places and connecting deeper with my soul. Connecting with my soul is the most beautiful thing, it feels like such a homecoming, and back then this connection was really starting to flourish.
I was thinking that I was on top of my process and things would start to flow more in my life again. Oh, was I wrong. I travelled to New Zealand in autumn 2019 and had some plans to stay and travel around. The day I landed to this beautiful country with the purest of energies, my nervous system completely crashed.
I already shared in a previous post how my body and health crashed in 2015. I had been healing; had healed my skin problems almost completely, and thought my chronic fatigue was getting better. I felt so connected to my soul and then - this! The rug got pulled from under my feet once again.
Suddenly I was feeling so sensitive that I couldn’t handle any amount of stress, not even travelling from place to place. Instead of buying a van I had to get a room and stay in one place. Everything felt like too much. I couldn’t believe I was made to go even deeper to the nothingness, just as I thought things were flowing again! All I could do was go for walks, hang out in the botanical garden connecting with flowers, sit by the river, go to cafes, and listen to music, all by myself. Everything else was too much. Even going to cook to the shared kitchen of my hostel was overwhelming. The time I was spending on my own was very sweet actually, but it was so different to the plans my mind had made and I didn't fully understand what I was meant to do. As always, the Universe had its own plans.
I didn't know what was happening. I felt simultaneously connected to my soul in a very deep and nourishing way, but also scared, hollow, and like my life was uncontrollably falling apart. Actually everything crashed exactly BECAUSE my soul was starting to shine through, and there were still patterns and old ways of being that were not good for me and that had to go. When stepping from living life from ego to living life from soul (which is a huge leap) everything needs to crumble and fall apart as the ego is losing its control. And truth be told, I had been praying God to give me all of my shit that was still standing in between my then current reality and the life I knew I was really meant to live. And God delivered. 😂
I didn’t know what would happen next in my life or where I would even go, but that had been pretty much my entire adult life up until this point. Now I know that you are not meant to know anything or do anything or plan anything when your reality is (once again) crumbling around you. It is very scary because the mind is losing its control and it doesn’t want to, because it doesn’t trust the plan of the Universe. Even if this is not easy, we should just try to surrender and rest. Or connect with nature like I did. The storm will pass.
When I thought I had already healed so much, I started to go through an even deeper healing of my heart and nervous system. It was hard to be around people because my energy body was so open and sensitive. It felt like I was walking around without skin, just bleeding. The Universe guided (=forced) me to move back to Finland in the beginning of 2020, right before the world went into lockdown. I had had no plans whatsoever to move back to Finland ever again. However, I needed to stay put in one place, and let my system go through the process it was going through. I hadn’t stayed put in one place since a long time. It was very overwhelming and ungrounding to go through deep awakening and healing and simultaneously travel the world. You need some stability if that’s possible, because so much is changing in your energetic body and that is unsettling enough, but honestly I just didn’t know where I would go.
It does feel like going through a storm when our lives are being realigned against our plans. It can feel like things are going wrong even if actually they are going very, very right. There is a so much bigger plan at play than what the tiny human can see from their limited perspective.
Things unfolded so very differently for me than I ever thought they would. But I got exactly what I needed and went through the biggest healing of my life. For first time ever I was finding deep stability and security in my life, because everything had been pretty chaotic up until that point. Looking back I feel like my entire life has been a constant apocalypse. So much has happened in such a short amount of time. My soul contracts are absolutely wild and I wouldn’t change them, but I also look back and I am like wow, how did I even make it through. My guardian angels have been soooo busy. Sorry and thank you to them for all the work they have put in. 😄
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