For so many years I was looking for a home. I moved to many places. Nothing felt right. I didn’t belong anywhere. For some years I was homeless, not on the street, but not having a home of my own, just drifting from place to place, never knowing where I sleep tomorrow, or next week, or next month. It was very stressful and draining. I did want a home, but I just couldn’t settle anywhere, because no place held the feeling of home.
I am from Finland, and as I already shared in my previous posts, I left from there very young. I had a lot of trauma, and the country felt ugly, cold, and unappealing to me. It certainly didn’t feel like home. In my heart I knew I was meant to find and experience belonging and feeling at home. But for the longest of time I thought I could just one day stumble upon the right place and people - and that was not the case at all.
I had to find deep feeling of home and belonging in my own heart. I had to become really ME, and unbecome everything I was not. I had never felt fully safe and at home in any circumstance of my life. And that sounds like a very wild thing to say, but actually we are all wearing a mask. We hold back things, and only share certain parts of ourselves. We do that because we don’t feel safe. We don’t feel like we could just be our truest selves, and many times we don’t even realize how deeply conditioned we are to behave in ways that are actually not true to us at all.
When we don’t feel safe to be ourselves, we create a persona by default. That persona can be hugely different from our true selves, or just a little bit different, but it is still a coping mechanism. There is no bigger homelessness than abandoning our true selves. We become empty shells instead of warm, cozy homes to ourselves.
So... how could you find home and belonging in a world full of people who don’t feel at home in their own hearts? Yeah, that is very challenging; to drop the mask when everyone is wearing one.
I have needed to spend a ton of time on my own to heal. I’ve had to be just in my own field and energy. I have needed to strengthen the connection to my soul and truth, without anyone interfering with their energetic projections. I have needed to become absolutely unwavering in my own energy and energy field, and to know my own boundaries; to be absolutely solid about where I end and others begin. Energetic boundaries used to be very hazy for me.
All of this has taken a lot of work and time and it is still a work in progress. Nature has been a safe haven for me; it is always grounded and solid, offering support, connection, and synergy when I haven’t had the right kind of humans around me.
Home and a lack of safety have been some of my biggest traumas and themes in this lifetime. I was not given a blueprint for safety growing up. Everything was emotionally and spiritually very unsafe, and when you are used to it, it takes you a lot of time to even start understanding that things could be (and should be) different. We repeat our traumas until we realize that we don’t need to.
I feel like I have had to build a sense of home and safety up from absolute zero. It has been the most beautiful process I have ever known. From feeling deep unsafety to safety. To getting to know my truest self and how epic and amazing it is. How joyful, blissful, and ecstatic it is to be who you are! I am still in awe about all of this, because I had barely ever witnessed these kind of energies in our world. And there is no end to this journey. We can always just feel more and more and MORE at home in our own hearts.
While feeling emotionally homeless and not belonging is such a challenging feeling to face, I think it is even harder to be wearing a mask and not even know that there is an empty hole within you. I think it is ultimately very lucky to feel like you don’t fit in the existing system and paradigms, because deep down they are not healthy. Some of us need to be the ones going first; finding TRUE safety and home within our own souls, and then embodying it. The world starts changing and becoming true one human at a time. 💗
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